Woopsire's Plant
by MrMimik
Summary: Woopsire, @woopsire on Twitter, has sexual intercourse with a plant. A short story that was approved prior to writing by Woopsire himself.


Woopsire, also known as 'Nick', or _homo sapiens fatticus_ , is a young man still living with his parents. And he cannot spell words like 'dissapointed'.

From his turd-colored doe eyes to his side-swept edgy haircut, he was the kind of guy who would wear creeper hoodies in public and brag about the gyms he owns in Pokemon GO. It's a tragic sight, to see this sad excuse for a human being. He understands this.

As a result, he spends a large amount of time streaming Pokemon Nuzlockes that aren't actually Nuzlockes, and abusing his disrespected friends Callum, Lotad, Speqtor, and especially Mr. Mimik.

'Get a girlfriend, you nerd', the pompous retard would say, 'fucking hell.'

Sad.

But one day, as he sat at his desk streaming and being put up to further abuse by his own fans, he realized that he had had enough of this lonely, sad life. So he bought a houseplant.

Technically, Woopsire lived with his parents. His parents had several plants, but he had decided for the first time he would take care of something beyond wiping his own ass after one of his IBS episodes. He wanted something to give his life purpose. Something he could call his.

Thus the plant.

A wonderful specimen of aloe, or _aloe vera_ , with full, plump leaves. It's numerous offsets pulsed with a juice that seemed useful to the fat bastard who was currently carrying it up into his room. It was a fairly heavy plant, and as a result was making Woopsire pant heavily as he struggled up the stairs to his bedroom. But at least carrying something over 10 pounds would help tighten up those curves, if you catch my drift.

After finally reaching his bedroom, Woopsire plopped the large plant onto his floor and collapsed into his bed.

"Jeez," he mumbled, "something fatter than Lotad…"

For a second, Woopsire figured that was a brilliant Tweet. As he pulled out the phone to bestow the tidbit upon his following, however, he saw another message from Mr. Mimik. With an exaggerated sigh, he unlocked his phone and read what the Asian retard had to say next.

get laid lol

Woopsire rolled his eyes.

But instead of typing an unwitty response, his fingers only hovered over the glowing keyboard. His eyes were now focused on the aloe lying pathetically on his floor. Deep in thought…

* * *

After a small dinner of microwave noodles, Woopsire bid his parents good night and went up to his bedroom. It was late, although he had been known to stay up till early morning, he figured going to bed before midnight couldn't possibly hurt.

He glanced down at the plant, having almost forgotten it was there in the first place.

Shrugging it off, he suddenly remembered the true reason that he had come upstairs early for the night. With a frustrated sigh, Woopsire threw himself into bed once more. He had a hard-on. Which was usual for a young man of his age, but he was also a young man of his age without a girlfriend.

As a result, Woopsire found himself browsing porn for what could possibly be the hundredth time.

No there is no shame in looking at porn. After all, every human has observed coitus, whether accidentally or intentionally. It's the natural thing to do when in a predicament such as this. But try as Woopsire might, nothing online was doing it for him. Not this time at least. Nothing seemed to help him with his little problem. Nothing at all…

Until he remembered his aloe plant.

Aloe… Wasn't that a jelly thing people put on sunburns? Wouldn't that…

No. Woopsire grimaced. He had stroked his johnson to and with some fairly weird things in the past, but using aloe seemed to the kind of thing that people would tell you not to do.

Nevertheless, he reached out a tentative hand and felt the plump leaves of the aloe. Oddly enough, it was pleasant and cool to the touch, but that wasn't all… He felt a stirring in his loins that he hadn't been expecting. Perhaps it was the phallic yet alien nature of the plant. Perhaps it was simply desperation.

It was almost as if he had been hypnotized. Woopsire reached a shaky hand back into his loose boxers, and stroked his hardening meat. Before long, the stroking on both the plant and his own dick caused himself to achieve a full foot-long erection.

The well-endowed manchild halted his passionate motions and removed his bothersome underpants. His mighty trouser-snake leaped forward, tall and proud. It stood at attention, craving the juices that Woopsire knew to be pulsing through the aloe plant on his floor.

With an hungry growl, Woopsire dragged the potted plant into his bed, causing dirt and mud to scatter onto the carpet. He fumbled with one of the many leaves, but finally managed to break it off with a satisfyingly crisp _snap_. Woopsire almost achieved orgasm on the spot just from that luxurious sound, but he had to wait.

He looked down at the busted leaf, and watched with wonder-struck eyes as the viscous liquid. Hungrily, he slid the open wound over his hands and quickly began to resume the vigorous caressing of his attention-starved cock. He dragged his slicked hands along the long, hot tube of swollen meat.

It was a cool, wet sensation, and one that clashed dramatically with the hot, raging boner.

Woopsire let out a gasp of shock. But he didn't stop, even as his mind went blank and a trickle of precum began to leak from his tip.

Not even thinking, Woopsire reached over with his left hand and snapped off yet another leaf. Like the hand had a mind of its own, it shoved the dripping aloe into Woopsire's gasping mouth. It was incredibly sour and bitter, nothing like what he had expected. He sipped up the juice as it stung at his taste buds. His soothing hand motions quickened as he felt the thick liquid drip down his begging throat. He choked, he gagged, but he ultimately downed the juice and tossed away the now shriveled leaf.

Woopsire snapped off two others, squeezing the juices of one back into his right hand, which had by now soaked up the aloe. With his wrinkled hand, he slathered the juice lustfully back onto his cock, coating it from his testicles to his bushy pubes to very tip of his twelve-inch behemoth. The aloe burned as it touched the sensitive flesh of his inner penis, but Woopsire moaned in ecstasy all the same.

He immediately resumed his masturbation, fondling the remaining leaf in his left hand. He was debating on what to do with it.

Then, as a spur of the moment, Woopsire brought the pointed tip of the aloe plant to his ass. After lifting up his legs to give himself access to the tight hole directly below his balls, he carefully poked it into his entrance. He hissed through his teeth when he started to push it further in, the spines of the aloe dragging across his anus.

Bringing his legs back down onto the bed, Woopsire continued to jack himself off in a feverish rush. He felt a rumbling in his gut. His time was short.

Making sure not to cause the aloe that was burrowing its way into his asshole, Woopsire lifted himself off the bed, pushing away a creeper hoodie and a useless pillow. He placed himself on the floor, on his knees before the aloe plant which was now missing four leaves.

"Here it comes…" Woopsire grunted.

And there it came. A spray of semen shot forward from Woopsire's penis, onto the plant's remaining leaves. Woopsire let out a loud sigh of relief as all his pent-up energy rushed forward into what could possibly have been the greatest orgasm he had ever experienced.

He could see bright colors, hear beautiful sounds, and feel gracious textures. And in the midst of it all, was the aloe plant.

Woopsire realized that this, yes, this plant, was the thing he had been looking for for so long.

Now exhausted mentally, physically, and maybe even emotionally, Woopsire collapsed naked onto the floor beside his plant. _His_ plant. And with that disturbingly happy thought, the lonely bastard fell asleep.

Outside his window, the sun had long gone down. The last of the birds had given there song. And someone, somewhere, had finished reading a short fan fiction about Woopsire having sexual intercourse with a plant.


End file.
